I want to do….everything

 What a beautiful and empowering poem. I can’t wait to read his book.


– by David Whyte

Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again

Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.

Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

first, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out

someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.

You are not leaving.
Even as the light fades quickly now,
you are arriving.

Things have been going pretty smoothly here as we transition into the spring season, the weather cool and wet. Mud is a constant companion these days, it follows you everywhere, no matter how well you think you’ve gotten it scraped off your boots. We’ve had a couple extremely warm days here and there, warmer than it was in Victoria even! I have a feeling we’ll get another blizzard though before winter gives up the ghost. Boy do I hope I am wrong about that.

Since returning from my family trip, I’ve been re-immersed into my egg routine, which now takes me about 5 hours each and every day, and then once a week I drive into town to deliver. I really love my job, who’da thunk I’d love cleaning eggs so much? I only knew I loved ducks and I loved their eggs, and here I am. The ladies are hovering around 500 eggs a day and should be gearing up to even higher numbers as April proceeds. They are such happy ducks too, when I feed them or am spreading their hay bedding and I just watch them, my happiness levels go off the chart. As I clean their eggs, I look at those gorgeous pearly orbs and think with gratitude of all the people who will be eating them for breakfast, and my heart swells with pride.

Since rediscovering myself while I was away, I’ve been examining a totally unusual thought I’ve been having: I want to do everything. I listen to a podcast and think, wouldn’t that be cool to try doing that? I listen to novels while I clean eggs and think, I could see myself diving into writing fiction. I listen to comedy and very, very briefly think, I’d like to try doing stand-up (not really, but I really admire comedians; their honesty and totally unabashed way of talking about their lives and experiences.) I listen to “This American Life” archived episodes and think how interesting it’d be to be a radio reporter, crafting stories for others to listen to. I listened to my youngest sister’s travel tales and think maybe I’d like to travel again, explore and experience different cultures and cities, sights and sounds. My sister in Colorado is living a totally free life just going day to day, I want to do that. My other sister makes a living selling vintage clothes on Ebay, I thought I could do that, and what a free life! She also told me that she’s made a conscious effort to create a life that is as low stress as possible, she honors her natural rhythms and tendencies and created her life around that. What an inspiration.

I want to write, so I do, and this blog is where I practice. The new farmer book I am working on is nearly done, but now that winter’s lull is over, it’s harder to carve out time in the full day to work on it. My new technique is to make a strong cup of cowgirl coffee at 3pm and then dive into the book editing. But you can’t force yourself to write, you just can’t.

Maybe it was seeing my BC family and noticing all of their different and evolving life paths that reminded me of this feeling of wanting to do everything. You can literally do anything you set your mind to, just go on and do it! This feeling I’m having is foreign to me, because here I am, I had my dream and I have achieved it. I am a farmer. All day long, that’s what I do. But now what? Maybe I am just a bit restless because the gardening season hasn’t quite started, or maybe it’s like bucket list syndrome. I have achieved this dream, so now I what? What do I want out of life?

Cows are next. I stopped by Angelica’s after egg deliveries for a visit on Wednesday, and one of her Highland heifers had just had her first calf out in the pasture. We went to the fenceline, her other cows mooing at her for treats. There was my little Ella too! She sniffed and then licked my hand! Hopefully I’ll be bringing her home next week, I can’t wait. She is a lot bigger than I realized, a healthy and gorgeous ruby russet colored beauty. Cows have been my dream for a while now after practicing with dairy bull calves last spring, and I am very excited to start this bovine journey.

Today was sunny and warmish and so after finishing eggs and sump pumping out the basement in the old house, I went out an area of rich black soil that was turned over last fall and started my spring garden. I spent an hour out there seeding peas, mustard greens, lettuce, carrots, parsnips, dill, kale and radishes. I observed with a happy heart all the emerging stout garlic sprouts that Melanie and I planted last fall, coming up through the goat bedding mulch. Then a deep dark blue cloud came quickly towards the farm and it started raining/baby hailing, so I ran back to the house delighted at the nice little time I had doing just a bit of gardening. It feels wonderful to have the pressure of the CSA off my shoulders. I like the idea of being able to share the bounty with family and friends, instead of worrying if people are getting their money’s worth in their boxes. These seeds I planted will work, or not. I don’t have to get stressed over the garden or plant a ton anymore, what a weird and awesome change. Even when I was seeding my peppers in the house 2 months ago, I had a hard time holding myself back from planting a dozen flats.

The sun is back out between clumps of clouds flying across the sky, I sit on the porch typing this, squinting to see the screen on my lap. The dogs lay around my feet, panting in the warmth, their sort of pleasing rained-on-dog aroma wafts up as the volatile winds whip about. I am arriving, as spring arrives. I still don’t know what IT is that I want, but it is awesome, powerful and liberating to know I can do anything.

4 thoughts on “I want to do….everything

  1. Oh this is such a lovely story. I do think writing is for you, obviously. Your farm tales are always engrossing and visual as I read. The poem is just fantastic as well. I will look for his book of poetry as well. Happy April.

  2. This resonates with me Khaiti. After trading in our other life for this one, and with years of settling into under our belts now, I keep getting that strange combination of satisfaction with the life we have and a wondering if there is something more or different that we should be doing. We traveled a lot back in the day and nowadays I’m happy to be home. But we’re kicking around the notion of getting a travel trailer and taking a year to travel around the country. If we do it, it’s five years away. I never thought I’d want to hit the road again, but that’s why we should never say never. I really enjoy your posts.

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